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Healing a broken heart ♥ Saturday, August 15, 2009
at 6:17 PMI wished he is still by my side.
It's all my fault. I shouldn't have broke in the first place. Letting go doesn't mean I don't love him anymore right. He's the best boyfriend I've ever dated. Because he gives me a sense of security none of my ex ever did. I still remember the moment when I sat beside him while we both sat along a river. I felt so blissful. I wished that moment in time would halt for me. Why aren't there any time machines in this world? ): I want to go back in time. Back to that time when he still loves me. And instead of forcing myself to love him, I love him naturally. That would be so flawless. But that's only just a dream. I still think of him and hope that he would be back. But the chances of odds are near to zero. I know I'm dreaming. It's surprising how he can forget those memories in just months. He must have been very hurt by me... =l Sigh. So this is what happened when I followed my heart. I shall never trust my heart AGAIN. There's no need to. Because I figured out that life's not only all about love. I'll live my life proudly. Loving him even though this is an unrequited love. Occasionally I would wonder what is he doing without me, Is he bored? Is he still thinking of me? And the answer would be. No, he's probably having much fun with his friends. Why I said he won't come back, it's based on personality. And it's accurate. He is a strong guy. Both mentally and physically. Out of the impossibilities, if, IF, he would fall in love with me again, he would never admit it. Because guys care about their pride. But that's only if he would love me again. (: *snap out of my dream*. You see now, I've discovered so many aspects of a relationship. That's what I didn't in the first place. And that's the reason for the misery now. Let me briefly describe my moments with max. In the first place, I remembered telling max. I think we be back as friends bah. Love is something that comes naturally, not forcefully. I've told my friends how great a guy you are. And how perfect and blissful I felt when I was with you. But in the end I realised I'm just forcing myself to love you. I'm sorry but. I can't. You're not the max I wanted you to be. We just don't fit. You're so daring. And I'm so shy and conservated. I chose to leave. - That's the first one. Now look at the first of the last moments. The ">" is from max. The ">>" is from me. - Sitting by the river; > "I'm thinking. Should I go into a relationship with you again?" >> "Follow your heart. Don't do things that you may regret." > "But I'm afraid that I may be hurt like how you hurt me last time." >> "You know why I wanted a break up last time?" > "Why." >> "I'm a secondary three girl, max. I can't afford to put time into relationships. I need the time for my studies too. And you're so daring. You made me scared of you. And you? You're a secondary two guy who is one year older than me. I really don't want others to say about us in a Jie-Di-Lian." > "What has that got to do with you and me? Can't you just love me?" >> "Previously I can't." > "If I'm back, how often can we be both going out?" >> "Once a week only." > "Wha? Once a week? Hard maintain relationship like this." >> "Fine. You be my first priority. I shall fail everything for YOUR sake." > "Just joking la." -Silence- >> "So what's your assessment?" > *puts arm around my shoulder* >> "I'll take it as a yes wor?" > "Let it be." - I really can't feel that he doesn't love me anymore. I thought he still does. That's the most fatal mistake I made. Really. It almost caused me my life and pride. Now look. The second moment after he found out that I smoke. - At MacDonalds, with 2 of his friends. He and his friend were playing PSP. They played for 2 hours plusplus. And I'm sick and bored. > "你要玩吗?" >> *Thinks. What the fuck. Idiotic -.- Can't you see I'm fucking bored and sleepy. I want my ciggarette." >> "No thanks. I'm okay. I just want to smoke awhile." > "HUH?" >> "You heard nothing. Now carry on playing and let me sleep." -About 30mins later, we went home. Max ignored me.- > "走啦." >> *smiles* "I'm sleepy. I want to smoke." > "你要smoke, 你自己去吧." -Walking to bus stop. A distance apart from us. Total silence- >> "你是不是生气我smoke?" > "没有." -Silence after we walked to the bus- -The bus came. I boarded. But he didn't- > "Bye." >> "Cya." -After that. I realised this bus is not for humans board one- -Misses him, wondering what's wrong- -A long distance later. Made up my mind. Alighted- -Ran like the fastest I ever ran back to the bus stop hoping he's still thr- >> *silence while gasping for air, tired* > "Why you still here? I thought you left?" >> "你不是说你要送我回家的吗？没有你我不要回家." > "Stupid. 傻瓜." >> *smiles while still catching my breath* -Another bus came, we both boarded it and sat beside each other- -Silence =.=- >> "你是不是不喜欢我抽烟?" > *shakes head* "最好是不要." >> "你不喜欢将我就不要了, I'll quit smoking. Promise." > "说得到容易." >> "If anything I do was for you, I'll promise that I will do it." -Silence- -Listens to 擦肩而过- -Turns head away from max. Tried controlling my tears- -Failed. Tears came out like a tap. Looked away and pretended I'm looking out of window- >> *Thinks. I'll never let you go again. I don't want to end up like last time..* >> *Don't know what to do..* > *lean his head on my shoulders* >> *smiles with tears coming down* -Reached the stop he is supposed to alight- > "Byebye.." *Touches my cheek as if he's unwilling to leave* >> *Looks at him. I really don't want him to go ):* -Continues listening to song. Crying silently and secretly- -Wondering what worse will happen.. Little did I know..- - I really don't want him to leave me... I don't know what to do without him. Imagining the worst day - him leaving me for good. Thinks to myself : I don't know how to survive that. - Now let's see the final and last moment before the break up. Short. Sweet. Simple. Heartbreaking. Eternally long. Complicated. -After group study, max and me went to library- > "I have 4 things I want you to promise me." >> "Ya? What are they?" > "One. Pin up your fringe. Two. Take care of your face." >> "WHAT?! No way!" >> "What's the third and fourth?" > "Don't tell you. Promise me first." >> "Cannot. Don't want. Tell me!" > "Don't promise I don't tell you." >> *HMPH* "Okay lor! Don't say don't say lor." -In the library- > *Took a book, pencil out* >> "What are you doing?" > "Shh." *Scribbles things on the book.* Book : You love me? >> "What kind of question is that?" Book : What will you do if I asked for a break up? >> "Don't know." >> "Why you ask me these questions?" -Little did I know that these were HINTS as to what's going to happen...- > "Don't know." -Played around- -Kept looking in his eyes. Falling deeper and deeper inside the endless hole of love- > "Let's go. It's late. Let me send you home." >> "So auto? K lors." -Neither did I know that this was the last time he's going to send me home...- -Walked to the bus stop- > *Hugged my waist* >> "What you doing?! We at public ley!" *shy* > "Also no people around." -And too, I didn't know that this was the last hug I would ever receive- -Boarded the bus. Sat at the back-most seats- >> "Sit at left side la!" > "Left side got sunlight!" >> "Right side then got!" > "Sit right side la!" >> "Okayokay you WIN!" -Ever wonder why I kept giving in to you? It's because I'm finally truly in love- -Sat down- >> *Locked my arms with his arms as if never letting him go* > *Started falling asleep* -See. I was right. Right side got sunlight- -Light very bright and strong. So I did a stupid thing- >> *put my left arm around him as if carrying a baby* >> *shades him from the sunlight using my body* -And I had no clues these little deeds that would have contributed to our relationships are no longer contributing. It's too late.- -Awhile later he reached the stop he was going to alight- -But he was still asleep, so I didn't wake him up- -2 stops later, he awoke- > "Pass the stop le ah?!" >> "Then go next stop lor." > "Until when then the road turns?" >> "I think is this stop ley. Ya is this stop." > "Byebye.." >> *Kissed him on the cheeks* > *Tried to kiss me on the lips. But I turned away* -Yup, and neither did I know this would be the last kiss I would ever get from him- -If I knew, I wouldn't kiss him too- -If I didn't accept the last kiss, does that means there will be more?- > *Alighted the bus and looked in from outside to say a FINAL goodbye* >> *Looks with unwilling eyes. I was about to cry.* -And yes... That would be the last time I would ever see him again...- -Took the lasts end-of-the-world journey alone back to my home- -Thinks of the sweet moments that just happened and once happened- -Smiled- -I didn't know too, that this smile of mine would turn me into an eternally crying Baelia- - And so, you see the irony. Compared to what has happened and what is GOING to happen... I shall swear that 12 August was the WORST and SADDEST day of my life. - Went home and bathed. Waited for his sms. But I didn't know that I was waiting for my 'doom'. 15 minutes later. An sms came. That sms sealed my fate. Shattered me into pieces and almost ended my life. It read : (rephrased due to his english errors) "First, I will say sorry.... Now let's break bah.. I feel that we are from different world. I feel like I don't have any feelings with you anymore.. I don't know why too, but I just know I think I don't love you anymore.. I'm sorry, but I have to say before it's going to hurt you more next time.. I feel that we are so different.. I'm sorry if I hurt you, but I have no choice, I have to say this.. Im sorry..." -The contrary? Isn't this what I told him in the first place? Another fragile Dejavu- It left me desperate. Hopeless. Like I'm transferred to an empty world where I'm the only one alive inside. I felt like that was going to be the end of my life. I felt fucking sad. Pain gripped me. It's emotionally excruciating, I must admit. Unable to bear the pains, I cried but to no avail. Then I took out my penknife, and started carving weird letters into my arms. I don't know why, it's just my instincts. Like someone's controlling me. I felt really hopeless and left ever so alone in this world that, I could no longer feel the pain and the blood coming out and dripping on the bathtub. I don't know what was I doing too, until that feeling was gone and I'm back to myself. Then it started to hurt.. ALOT.. and I looked at my arms. Full of blood shears, it wrote "Love sucks" and "Fate hurts", my wrist's blood vessels was badly ruptured. Blood came out like a bloody volcano, along with my life. I laid at the bathroom, hurt, too painful to move. Life's draining out from me every single moment and I know I'm in deep shit. Oh god, I thought, what's going to be next? Am I going to die or what? Feeling dizzy and hurtful, I turned on the hot water so that the pain could be drowned and killed by the intense heat. Yes, I felt numb-ed after that. Felt better but the state of my arms was hideous. So I stood up with much efforts, went to my bedroom, found bandages, and wrapped both of my arms while enduring the pains. It was swollen like hell. I wondered how I'm going to go to school in this state. And I realised I could hide the wounds by wearing a jacket. It's the end of hope, I thought. Luckily there was ziling to be there for me until the next day. Had a slight fever, lied to my dad that I'm having a cold so I wore jacket. Passed off as a good liar, and reached school. Rinsed the blood stains off my jacket and dried it before school starts. Max's last words to me was... (rephrased as his english is.. poor) "I'll still be friends with you." "Listen. I'm really sorry.. But what is gone just let it be gone. What for doing so much things? It's not worth. Old one don't go, new one would never come. I believe you will find someone better than me of cause... So don't think too much..." "I have no feelings towards you anymore because you left me in the first place.. And hurt me so much till you made me have no feelings with you anymore.. I never lied to you.." "I don't think we should continue talk about it.. It will just make you more hurt.. Just forget it and restart your love life with another new boyfriend.. I believe he will love you more than me.." "Don't silly.. Your new boyfriend will make you more happy.. I think that I didn't do anything for you to make you happy. Just give him a chance.. and just forget me.. Trust him, and forget me.. You can do it de.. That's all I can say.. We are friends remember? So you still can talk to me.. I go le.. I still have homework to do.." - Remembered the 4 promises he told me to promise him? I asked him just now.. But I'm touched by his reply. Me : "What's the other two promises you haven't told me?" Max : "Live happily... And forget me..." Brought tears to my eyes. He cared. As a friend. And I'm thankful for that. Although our friends' blessing aren't strong enough to make this love last, although in the end we still lost to fate as a whole, I hope this friendship can survive the many obstacles in life, be it whatever people say, whatever people gossip, yes, friends for life (: I'll stop shedding my tears for you and I'll replace it with a smile. I'll stop hoping that you'll come back, instead I'll hope that you can find someone who would never hurt you and will love you more than I did. I'll stop doing these silly things to myself, and a brand new life awaits me. I'll try to trust other guys like I did for you.. But one thing that's for sure. Although this is a tragic love ending, I'll live my life happily. But I will not forget you, we are friends, remember? (: I will also not forget those everlastingly sweet memories that you and me created. The last hug and kisses you gave me will give me hope to live on. And you as a friend, may our friendship blossom like never before (: ... And that was how I lived my daily life since then. Slowly, ever so slowly, my wounds would eventually heal. Leaving scars which would eventually fade in time. It may take a guy awhile to replace max's status in my heart, but it may take an eternity to forget those memories. The most precious moment I've had with you. Was the very moment you brought me to cold room. Where you took out that ring that is now missing in my life. These will never be forgotten. Baelia, you have been given a new chance to live and love. Treasure it while you still can, do not walk the path the previous Baelia once did. Who had already died on 12 August with a broken heart. These will accompany me through the journey of my life. A rainbow would still be rainbow, the rain will still be cold. What's meant to be will be brought to life by fate, what's unworthy would be judged thoroughly by karma. What's not yours will never be. Learn to accept it. With a ceremonial note, I shall finish this fictional love story of a love that's never meant to be. Hope you like it, toodles(: - Sorry, I forced myself t walk away from you ♥ |
♥ Search ♥ Yours truly   Baelia Alistair Pan. Single/ I'll NEVER be available! My heart's preoccupied I'm currently 15 Queensway Sec Scorpio 14 November's my birthday! I'm a crybaby Mad about LOVE Don't step over my limit She loves to sing! I'm fun! I like to play! Divided in two Blur as a sotong I needs lots of love and concern I'm just like a cat :D I love attention <3 Dont judge me from the outside Cause you dont understand ME . ♥ Loves ♥ Freedom ♥ Cookies ♥ Cheese ♥ Chocolates ♥ Chilli ♥ Movies ♥ Dates ♥ Loathe Hypocrites Backstabbers Betrayers Gossiping Debates Criticisms Love triangles Marriage Fast foods ♥ Desires Freedom Top10 in class Unlimited money t spend No curfew More time t hang out More pets! Change for th better Get t Sec4 Express ♥ Chains 3O1'O9 Aiko Alvin/Pegasi ChengBoon Chiwen/PurplePixies Claud Daniel Felicia Grace Janice/MissyJANx3 Jeanne JiaYuan Kenneth Marc/zxDarkFlamexz Melissa Naruto Nicholas Pavithra PingFang SamuelTeo Sequoias Guild Blog Shaun/x3Crisis Shirley Shuean Simon Terencee/xXxXShadowxX Vanessa WeiLiang XinYi XinYu Yaozhi YunTing/Krugal93 ZiLing/JuniorPixie ♥ Make some noise!  ♥ Dance t th music!
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at 6:17 PM