Healing a broken heart ♥


Wednesday, October 28, 2009
at 5:19 PM

OMG. I just can't stand you!
You're such a ****** you can't even make up your mind!
I'm totally tired of being your doorman!
Wash my hands off you, you bastard!
You. Have. Totally. Stepped. OVER. The Limit.
And. I'm. Telling. You. I'm. Not. HAPPY. With. It.

Clean it up, cupcorn?
Don't call me right in th morning just t meet me.
& when you have nothing t say,
you just push th blame t me?

I've nothing t say t you anymore!
Who are YOU t order me around?
Don't go whining like a dog w. a major facade.
It won't work. At least not on me.

I really don't like you. I mean REALLY.
I used t. But now what Ifeel is just plain disgust!

Why scream at me just cos you saw THAT ring?
I didn't say it's from who. You presumed wrongly.
Yes, it's from him. But it only has my name on it.
& it's meant as a bday present from him t me.
Why get so fucked & tight up? Paranoid.

You make me sick of guys. It'd be hell if everyone were like you.
At least he knew how t say HI & BYE. T me.
You? A goodbye STARE maybe (yes, I'm being sarcastic)?

You wanna know how you would be compared t others?

It's just like. Cow dung & mining sites.
Okayokay, I know you'll say AT LEAST YOU CAN BE USED AS A MANURE FERTILISER.
But can you compare t gold mines? No. It's a resounding never.

Get it clear, sweety pie,
you brought this upon yourself.

Th whole sec3 & 2 knows that you're a coward.
Let's not push this shit further, shall we?

Know your limits,
& get out of my life.

Max is a sexy name. But you're not.
That's th reason why I called you SAMNANG instead.
Samnang = Lucky (khmer translation)
Feels like I'm calling a dog. (:

So, don't get too woozy & excited up when I call your name.
I might just be calling my puppy.

Too harsh on you?
No. Shame on you. You don't deserve respect if you just love t avoid.

Don't worry.
This is only th first rung on th ladder of your demise.
This is just th APPETISER.

I've not bring up th MAIN COURSE yet (:

We'll see, hose.
Sorry,
I forced myself t walk away from you ♥



Sunday, October 25, 2009
at 6:06 PM

Believe mea when I say it's over.
I may hang & cling on th memories, but I will not swing back t th past.
I like it th way it is now.

Yes I'm selfish & attention-seeking.
You are entitled t your own opinion of mea.
I enjoy th attention I have been getting from th opposite sex.
I like it when my results soared when I left you.
I love it when I see you suffer. Because you've made my life hell.

Get clear of reality, max.
We've only known each other for 1 day.
It's not gonna last. Not for long.
Be realistic. This is not our fantazindy.
Go easy on your desire & feelings.
They're empty.
Th real thing is, I'm not who you would love mea for.
This is myself. I didn't change at all.
You did. Beyond recognition.
Love is all around us.
But we just don't match.
Accept th end,
straighten out your thoughts,
smile & forget about it, (as you always said you'll),
close & reopen your eyes,
& forget that I've existed in your life.

Baelia.
Sorry,
I forced myself t walk away from you ♥



at 6:01 PM

Dedicated t someone you know who you are, it's what you need t be.

Better man - Robbie Williams.

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

Go easy on my conscience
'Cause it's not my fault
I know I've been taught
To take the blame

Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
I'm in pain

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

Once you've found that lover
You're homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around

I know some have fallen on stony ground
But Love is all around

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man
Sorry,
I forced myself t walk away from you ♥



Thursday, October 22, 2009
at 7:03 PM

Sorry. You've never told mea you'd had any special feelings for mea.
I treated you like a friend & a close brother.
I know, I got t knew you because I'm partly a Malay too.
& no, it's not about religion. Nor race.
I'd like ppl of all races & religions, really.
Just that my heart was alr w another guy in th first place.
You know him too. I just can't forget him.

I love him as much as I hate him for doing these t mea.
He & I will never be together again.
It was his decisions, out of indecisiveness.
When I had him there, then I chose to let him go.
Now it's only fair that we both let each other have our way.

I'm so going t celebrate my birthday alone.
It'd be heaven if I could spend it w him.
In my dreams.

I'm scared.
I don't know why too, I'm just scared.
I'm scared t ask him out,
because in th first place I said.
"Forget it, take it as I've never appeared in your life".
I wanted t go out w him, yet I'm scared he'll say yes.
Of course, I'm afraid he'll say no too ):
I wanna go out w him so much, yet I'm scared of being w him.
It's just these small anxiety-filled feelings.

I don't know why,
but that's just how th story goes.

& I've figured out,
things will never be th same again.

I'm not so generous & gracious t pardon what he did t hurt mea.
I'm not so courageous t accept him again.
He's not so sure about his true feelings.
He'd never return, he'd only know how t say "forget it".

It's what we'd chosen t let go in th first place.
It flew away from us, why bother t find it back?
This will remain as a memory.
It's just impossible although we both really want t.

I won't forgive how you excruciatingly seared my heart into smithereens.
I won't forget how you coldblooded-ly turned your back against mea.
I will rmbr how you ignored mea when I most needed your concern.
I will be reminded of how you took mea away from myself.
I will have nightmares every night, it's all because of you.
I would cry in th dead of every night, just t hear my silent screams.
I will look at my scars, & isn't that what you want mea t do?

You've once asked mea,
"What will you do if I leave you?"
This particular question was asked on th day you broke up w mea.
I didn't bother t reply. I thought you were kidding.
But wasn't that what you wanted?
Now you've filled mea w blood & pains, are you very joyful now?

Why come back.
Why look at mea when I'm trying t avoid you.
Why won't you be true t yourself, make it a yes or a no.
Stop saying maybe, stop saying forget it.
It's irritating mea, I had ENOUGH.

Why do these when you know it'll bring both of us pain.
Why try if nothing will be th same again.
Why bluff ourselves that a miracle will take place, when our fantasy had alr ended long ago?

Yes, I said I can't live w.out you.
It's true. It'd always been true.
I've died long ago. Jing has passed away.
I'm no longer th same girl you knew, you know it very well.

I'm Baelia.
I'll be anyone whom you don't know.
I want you t get out of my life, t die.
I hate you for everything you did.
You made mea bleed thoroughly.
My heart felt as if it'd been bled t dryness.
My eyes spurted blood after I cried continuously for 3 hrs.
You made my wrists & arms bled like a tap.
You made mea bleed on your bed.

I wish you'll go t hell, & that I'll go thr w. you.
I love you. I hate you. I love you. I hate you.
I wanna go t hell w. you.
So that I can hear you scream & feel th pain.
So that you'll know, I'm willing t brave th hellish tortures.
Just for you.

Things will never be th same again,
no one said it will be.
People changes, things go wrong.
But always remember, life goes on.

You've bred a love & hatred-filled mea.
Don't regret, this is just th way life continues.

But I suggest t you,
don't be stubborn anymore,
don't assume you're always right,
don't expect everyone t do as you wanted,
learn t try & t make choices from your heart.

If you don't,
you can be rest assured that,
you will hurt not only mea but yourself & other girls.
& that I won't be th only one who want your life.

This is mea,
this is Baelia.
Born on 13 August,
t bring you hell & tortures.


Sorry,
I forced myself t walk away from you ♥



Monday, October 19, 2009
at 9:49 PM

Sorry. Aint gonna post pictures today.
Down w. love sickness. (as always?).
Sigh.

I don't know. It's so unbelievable I actually cried.
It'd been so long since we broke.
But in my heart it tastes like it's just yesterday.
I'm still thinking of you, as ever.
I really love you. But how many "really" can explain th meaning of "really"?
It's just a personal barrier.

I can't go back... I want t. I just can't.
It's something in your mind, something you've got t endure w.
Even though we're both willing, in th end it'll not work out.

I really want t go back. But I can't.
No one understands how I feel.
Have you ever thought why I love you?
You won't understand. It's just a totally different feeling.
It's so blissful. So happy t be w. you.
There's no other feeling so enjoyable than being w. you.

I can show you the world, prince.
Shining, brimming, glimmering.
Tell me prince, when did you last let your heart decide?

I can open your heart, love you lifetime by lifetime.
When I'm w. you, I feel like I'm in a whole new world...
A dazzling love I'll ever feel,
but now, from faraway here,
It's crystal clear that I'm deeply in love w. you.

Unbelievable words,
indescribable feelings
through an endless painful love.

We're like a shooting star
We've come so far in eternity,
rendering th clock in th parlor stopping forever.

With new horizons to thread,
There's no other like you,
who can let mea feel th way like you did.

A bitterly-splendid place in time,
That's where we'll be,
A sweetly painful love,
A tears & joys filled soul,
For you and mea...

I love you. You hear this straight from mea.
I'm not letting you go, I won't give up.
I won't concede defeat before fate.
For you & mea, I'll be strong. I'll be brave.
I'll do anything even if it's impossible.
Just t try t have you by my side.

I'll sacrifice anything t share this fantastic world w. you.
W.out you, it's meaningless for mea t exist.
I love you, I'll go beyond th horizons t find an utmost simplistic happiness that belongs only t mea & you.


Sorry,
I forced myself t walk away from you ♥



at 8:36 PM

Day 14 of "The Immense Whole-Singapore-&-Palau Ubin Outing"

Went to Singapore Zoo & Night Safari w. Priscilla & MingZhu today.
IT WAS FUN!
Although it kinda stank (horribly).
It hurts... It smells... It frightens...
It was. Strenuously fun!
Nothing beats gulping down a whole 1.5litre of cold water after going w.out water for 5hrs under th intense humidity of Sg!!
We. were. like. dehydrated. &. pink. &. red. & dying.
I saw King Cobra. Wanted t feed it real bad, but it was only on Sundays.
Rode on elephant. Costed like 8 sgd for a round.
Th elephants were damn huge! Can't even sit properly =.="
BUT IT WAS FUN & CUTE :D!
Hmm. I get t hug & feed otters.
& feed elephants although th trunks touched my hand (eww?!).
Then I realise it's not as scary as I think :D.
Anyway. It's just like dipping your hand in a mudpool.

Did you know after cheetah runs, it has t stop for 1min++ due t th heat its body generates during th fast running?! If not it will die! :O

Alright. Enough food for thoughts for now.

Pictures?

Later! There's like. ALOT.
I'll be uploading pics on Sg Zoo today.
Maybe other tourist attractions tmr. (:
If I have th time.

27 days t my birthday!!!
Sorry,
I forced myself t walk away from you ♥



Friday, October 16, 2009
at 1:49 PM

Physics results is out w. Mdm Cheng!
Anxious t know how bad I did...
Today had F&N paper, it sucked.
Didn't have time t do th 15marks question drats!
Had english oral today (finally).
Like once in a blue moon Miss Buganeishwari Yoganathan didn't postpone th oral exam!
Yes, her name is long, I know, I can see that.
Thinking of going PasirRis later t play w scorpions again.
But this time going w MingZhu.
Need a lil something t boost my morale,
I thought I failed my physics (again).
But I didn't.
I wanna eat chocolates.
I want t fish now.
I want t dance right now.
EXAMS IS OVER!!! YAY!!!
Sorry. Too high, can't contain my excitement for th 4 days holidays!
He walked past mea today.
He walked past mea like a stranger.
I hang my head down hoping he'll nt recognise mea.
But we just looked into each other's eyes.
No difference, a split second of coldness & disgusted familiarity.
& looked away, mea reading my notes.
Awkward moments, life parole.
I don't know how am I feeling now.
Bored & lonely.
I don't know how many lines I've typed.
I wanna sing, but this disturbing silence is creeping mea out.
Looking at th sky.
Not knowing what t do.
Not knowing who I want t be w.

Th worst thing is.
Good things will only befall on mea after I left him.

I guess you know what this means.
Too coincidental t be coincidental. Too.
My maths soaring t 50+ aft I left him.
My maths soaring t 70+ aft I decided I won't go back.
For each & every time I persuade myself t forget him,
my Physics & chem's mark just shot up.
& when I thought of going back t him again,
my mind just went blank.
& my maths. Is back t. F9.
Coincidence?
Too coincidental.

I received praises when I left.
& I got failures when I thought of going back.
What a curse.

What a curse indeed.
Sorry,
I forced myself t walk away from you ♥



at 5:39 AM

see this.
you're either very brave, or very dumb (:
Sorry,
I forced myself t walk away from you ♥



Thursday, October 15, 2009
at 5:58 AM

let me tell you 1 thing, kiddy guest.
having an english name doesn't mean im caucasian.
everyone knows that except you.
for a person w a damaged brain,
you're the one disrupting the peace in my tagboard,
SO you're COMING w me & my friends to the ktv.

expect me to spoonfeed you & upload a singing vid?
wait long bahs.

it's either you come. or no talk.

get it kid?
Sorry,
I forced myself t walk away from you ♥



Wednesday, October 14, 2009
at 5:01 PM

Diva! I'm gonna sing "No one - alicia keys" at blue heavens pub on SATURDAY!!
Finally got my place in the performance aft 3 weeks -.-.

Currently learning how to sing operatic kind of songs.
But now it's like. My voice so choppy.

First time my poa balance sheet cannot balance in exam!
Paper 1 was... uuuurgh wtf all those easy questions come out on topics I never study.
Paper 2 : Wtf... I know this, but why they change th question till like @#*$&@ -.-.

Maths paper 1 & 2 was a disaster, believe mea.

Chemistry paper made damn a lot of mistakes.
Geography & SS, topic never study come out again.

English & Chinese, out of topic AGAIN.

AND AFTER SO LONG...
left 2 more papers...

Physics (tmr)
F&N (friday)

Sighh. What's th point of getting good things in life,
when there's totally NO ONE perfect for mea t share my happiness w?

Pssh. Saturday go clubbing at blue heavens. 7pm.
Sunday go East Coast play.

Can I say th teacher absolutely love my dish in F&N practical?

-

Today : after school.
Went t Pasir Ris Farmway 2. T go fishing & do all sorts of weird things.
I got pinched by TIGER PRAWNS while fishing for prawn -.-.
Poor thing la.
&& there's a scorpion & crab farm just at th end of th lane.

Th funny thing was.
Jas : OMG EW! ++ AHH SCARY SCARY!
Jas : crabs still better.. scorpions look so BLACK...
Me : WHAT! you go be crab la. continue walk sideways bah.
Me : SCORPIONS ARE SO CUTE!!
Farmer/Owner : Girls you want take picture w these creatures?
Jas : NO!
Me : YES! I WANT DAAAAA SCORPIONS! but will they sting?
Farmer/Owner : They don't sting but they will nip at you.
Me : CUTEEEEEEEE!
Jas : Can go pet shop instead anot..... *going t die*
Me : Can. but after we take picture w these first.
Jas : ...
Farmer/Owner : You not scared of scorpions?
Me : I don't have problems w crustaceans.
Me : But she does. *points t Jas*
Jas : *holds up 1 crab to "defend" herself*
Jas : SIAM! STAY AWAYYYY!
Me : *holds up 1 scorpion* very scary meh?

-

Ya lor. Very scary meh?
Don't look at mea lor Jas.
I'm not a guy, I won't protect you :DDDD!

Anyway, gotta go, tmr physics exam!!!
WISH MEA LUCK && WISH THAT MY EYES WILL BE SHARP ENOUGH -.-.

Toodlessssss XD!

I LOVE SCORPIONS AHHH SO CUTE!
Sorry,
I forced myself t walk away from you ♥



Sunday, October 11, 2009
at 11:47 PM

Hahs. Aft so long. I've finally realised I've walked one big round.
I must be crazy now. Maybe I dreamed too much.
But when I think of him, I long t feel his touch.

I wished t go back t th very first day I saw you.
Cos' by now I finally know you'll feel th same way as I do.

What's th point of winning when th one I loved has alr gone?

I don't want this.
I don't want t be th Queen of love songs w.out you by my side.
I don't want t be th queen when you're not th king.

Where've you gone t?

Where are you?

I. Love. You. I wished you'll love mea too.
These three words, could change our lives forever.
And if I'd said that earlier, it'd promise us t be together.

Right. I've never miss a guy this long.
Tell mea how do I escape from your clutches?

I don't want anything. I just want you t be by my side.
I can't let go.
I tried loving other guys. But that doesn't work at all.
When I'm alone, you're th first one I think about.
See now, how impossible it is for mea t love again?

I know it's impossible. But I'm still trying hard t forget you.
I rmbred. Th night at Clarke Quay.
I promised myself I'll love you this life.
I don't know, I just felt that way.
I felt that this was th truest promises of all I've made.
It may or may not be true.
But now... It's so true. I can't get you out of my mind.
No lack of handsome guys by my side. But why you?
Can't I just forget?
No one else but you.
Is this a curse?

If this is a curse, then let it be.
If my sudden promise had led me upon this road of no return,
let th memory of mea & you be together.

like comets frolicking into eternity,
th clock in th parlor stops its heartbeat,
forever.
Sorry,
I forced myself t walk away from you ♥



Friday, October 9, 2009
at 6:24 PM

等了那么久,终于有了着落。
虽然最后还是放弃了,但学到了珍贵的含悟。
还记得我曾经说过的话吗?
忘记了吧?
或者你已经忘了我的背影了。

还以为真正忘却,
但看见你的时候,回忆又浮现在脑海中。
始终忘不了。

用尽困苦逼我自己忘记你。
用劳累使我自己麻痹。
甚至用死亡威胁自己。
还是做不到。

算了吧。
没有一次那么惦记一个男孩。
就让甜蜜的回忆惦记在心中,
陪伴我这一生。

我不想忘记你。
你说过的每一句话我都会牢记在心上。
我们是对苦命鸳鸯。

时间久了。
还以为能忘切。
但。。。感觉就像是昨天,你我分手了。

自走人生旅途后,
仍每天想起与你相处的时光。

尽管这一些记忆有酸有甜,
分手后甚至还要說出这一个決定,
是女生从不后悔的绝決。

杨仪凤,我会记得你的名字!
这生不可能会有多一个机会,
但愿下世,再遇见你。
我们的爱情,是个無悔青春的恋歌。

你,永远会是晶晶瑤瑤的少女失恋物语。

记得,
忘记你,我做不到。
只好避开你。

愿你在天涯海角,
幸福,快乐。

~ 晶晶
Sorry,
I forced myself t walk away from you ♥



Sunday, October 4, 2009
at 3:49 PM

Hello guys... =l
Sorry for not updating.
Busy with celebration events & competition this month.
But now I'm back.

Sigh.

I'll update on ystd first.
MingZhu, Priscilla & me went to East Coast Park to celebrate lantern festival.
We practically played in the stormy gloomy sea.
&& ate w seawater dripping from us,
&& ate w th cold merciless rain pelting down,
cleansing us of our salty seawater, what a natural rain.

We lit lanterns. Played w fire. Almost caused a fire.
But we loved it. Eating mooncakes, savouring th sweetness of th lotus paste;
we masquerade th lady of th moon, glancing up.

A blink of an eye, we're dozing off on a taxi.
As much as I hate t leave, we're alr back home.
&& what is left. Is th memories of what th moonlady gave...

-

Update : On my competition.
Sad reality.
I'm through t th semi-finals.
I sang : "I will always love you" by WhitneyHouston in th quarter semi &&
"Memory" in th semi finals.

I'll be skipping th revival round, I'm alr through.

Two rounds remains.
Th combined singing - "A moment like this by Kelly Clarkson"
&& Th finale; I've came t a decision t sing "Time to say goodbye".

Sorry I've forgotten what th judges said...
This time it was more of criticisms I think.
But it's alright. Others had heard even insulting advices.

Crumbling under th stress right now.

"In th lamplight..
with leaves withering at my feet...
All alone in th moonlight,
I can smile at th old days...
I rmbred what happiness was,
look a new day.. has begun..."

Sorry,
I forced myself t walk away from you ♥




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♥ Yours truly





Baelia Alistair Pan.
Single/Attached
I'll NEVER be available!
My heart's preoccupied
I'm currently 15
Queensway Sec
Scorpio
14 November's my birthday!
I'm a crybaby
Mad about LOVE
Don't step over my limit
She loves to sing!
I'm fun!
I like to play!
Divided in two
Blur as a sotong
I needs lots of love and concern
I'm just like a cat :D
I love attention <3
Dont judge me from the outside
Cause you dont understand ME .


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