Hi (:
My name is Chair and I rock.
Seventeen candles on the 28th September '09. I ♥ cocktails, cocaine, and clubbing.

PARAMORE
is the bomb.
you know you love me
xoxo


put a more detailed profile here. (:




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at 8:37 PM

let see if i still rmbr how to spell your name.
i'm not good in my chinese, neither am i good in recognising characters.
but i hope i can rmbr it =/

... (15min later)...

i don't rmbr anymore.
sigh. i don't know you anymore.

is this just me or what?

i miss you )): )): don't go, your back view is getting smaller.
can't you see my unwillingness?

when are you going to be brave and face it?

you've unnoticingly and unintentionally dragged 2 girls into this picture.
of course you don't feel it, because you're so selfish.

i feel like giving up.
but i'll see.

let this week decide,
you to be brave,
or me to be stubborn.


at 9:15 PM

i know i'll still choose qj.

but why?
i don't understand.


at 11:53 PM

i'm not going back to either of my ex.
i'm currently trapped between 2 Q's.

QJ... or QK?

my heart belongs to one.
should i decide on the guy who loves me more,
or the one i do?


at 2:24 AM


-.-


at 12:03 AM

this post is supposed to be on valentines,
but i'm doing it earlier because i know i'll be very busy on that very day.

this blog/fb post is dedicated to the guy i like.
you know who you are although you won't be able to read this (:

it all started on 2010 january 16.
i remembered that day clearly.
i was finally recovering after falling sick 3 times in a row.
i had mild fever and extreme cough, but i was allowed to stay in class.
and so, for the very first time, i brought my water bottle to chinese class.
and this particular guy asked if he could drink from my bottle.
i was quite shocked, i could've let him drink from it, but i was sick.
so i said, "no sorry. i have a fever."

being a typical singaporean guy, he doubted me and said:
"really ah? so coincident sia."

hmph. what a guy. i'm really telling the truth.
but why do i feel weird? and shy?
why did he ask from me when he doesn't even know me much?
i kept asking these stupid questions. and thought of him incessantly.

after awhile, thinking of him became part of my daily life.
and spending time with him became fun.
days passed by, and i looked forward to chinese classes.
because that was the only time i could really see him.

he was oblivious towards my weird behaviour,
and i had the time of my life turning back and looking at him. (lol =l)
every assignment that has to be passed down was a chance to me.
"i can get to see him again!" it was all that i thought of.

by that time, i already knew that i'm falling in love again.
i know i shouldn't do that. but it was so much fun.
he'd never guess what's going on in my mind,
it's kind of good because we still get to be friends.
the only trouble was my heart. i can't get enough of him.
what should i possibly do?

by now, every turn i made, my heart was pounding real hard.
i get nervous merely because i looked at him unintentionally.

coincidentally, we were required to stay back after school.
for the "briefing" of the peer tutors.
this teacher was "forcing" me to join the program,
and so i did cos i had no choice.
he brought me down to avarm2, and..

that guy and his friends were running past me.
"they're peer tutors just like you." this teacher explained.
in my mind floated a silent "ooh!"

then, this teacher crapped,
"next time, 1 of these guys will be your husband."
i was like. "wah! you're a teacher ley!" (=.=")
so i went in the room, like a stranger, scared stiff.
wandered around a little and sat down beside 2 sec5 guys.
and i realised. i was just behind him!

then. for the first time i noticed that he has lots of pimples on his head! (lol -.-)
and so, i decided to be cranky and give him a facial cleanser.
at first i told him to come to me alone so that i can give it to him.
who would know, he brought his friends along (-_-"!),
i was embarrassed and i didn't have the courage,
so i told him, class door's locked and i RAN out of the school.
i thought my heart suffered a seizure. cos it was pounding like mad.
after that, i felt sad, and disappointed too.
i was almost sure i could get over my anxiety problem,
but the mere look in his eyes threw me off track.
i couldn't help it! so i kept quiet.

the next day, i decided i could do it another way.
i passed that "thingy" to my friend whose in the same class as him.
and told her to pass it to him. and it was a success (:
no heart seizures anymore! but..

little did i know his friends were already spreading rumours about me.
i was, of course, a little disturbed.
cos i didn't know how to face him if this matter gets to him.
i was afraid (la). but i kept quiet.

subsequently, we stopped talking to each other.
i didn't know why, but for me i was too embarrassed to talk to him.
but i was still happy, even if i don't start the day good,
i would be in cloud nine after chinese classes, best if there's 2 period of chinese!

one "unlucky" moment after a change of lesson,
i took my p.e attire and walked to the toilet.
halfway there, i saw him walking towards his class.
i kept looking, unaware of my footsteps,
then! i tripped on something, and...
i fell beside him when he was walking by my side (=.="!)
i didn't know what else to do.
i panicked and ran to the toilet. =l

actually, i was quite contented already.
let's cut the happy part short because what's not meant to be will never be (:
2 days ago, i just found out from someone,
that this guy i like, has a girl he likes in his class.

it was definitely disappointing (la).
but i'm okay with it.
i lost to her in studies, in appearance, in almost everything.
so i don't mind losing to her (again) in love.

it's kind of saddening,
how i used to get A1 for chinese because i enjoyed having him as my classmate.
and now, i barely even pass because i was so affected ):

although now my heart still go crazy whenever i see him,
i can feel the disappointment within, residing in me.
so. i let go. willingly.
and decided to move on in life.

even until now, i still think of him often.
i get to see him for one or two times a day,
but that can no longer make a difference.

to be absolutely honest, this is kind of silly and fun.
but i've never regretted at all (:

i know being such a timid girl, i won't have the courage to do what i want.
i know that he rarely smiles. so whenever i see him,
i could almost hear my heart shouting,

now i finally know the meaning of mixed emotions.
happy and yet sad.
beautiful and yet tragic.

smile more, love more,
i want to see him happy always.
because when he's happy,
i'll be happy too.

loving someone doesn't always requires you to have him,
letting go of someone doesn't always have to be sad.
valentines' isn't only for those couples in love.

whatever the outcome is, i don't really care.
be it lovely or be it tragic,
i'm just happy that,

i'm finally waking up from this dream.


at 10:55 PM

hey guys. i'm online tonight. here blogging cos i've got nothing to do.

to be absolutely honest, this week is quite a bomb for me.
we had adam khoo's full 3 days workshop.
the timing was 8am in the morning to 9pm in the night.
it was really tough for me, cos i'd always slept at 7.30pm.
i suffered this 3 days but i learnt a lot from them, a lot of stuffs i can never forget.

i basically wake up 5 in the morning and do my usual routine of getting ready for school.
so that i'll never be late and punished again.
waking up was hard. i could feel my eyelids ever so heavy, on the verge of collapsing.

normally i'd sleep at 7.30pm. but i had to adapt for this very important 3 days of my life.
i yawned, teared, sighed, dozed, slept in the workshop.
but the trainers had never scolded me.

it was really fantastic, inspirational and motivating.
there were 3 trainers for us, 1 in the morning, 1 in the afternoon and 1 in the night.
the trainers were hilarious and yet serious.
although sometimes they may preach us a little because we aren't too mature yet,
i know it's for our own good.

day 1. they taught us lots of unobvious but important stuffs.
how to study effectively, super memory.
how to derive pleasure out of studies.
they told us about self esteem and confidence.
and they said that, once you believe in yourself, nothing can get in your way.
you know what? you can never plan to fail. i mean really.
if you plan to pass and you pass, you passed.
if you plan to pass and you failed, you planned to pass.
if you plan to fail and you failed, you passed because you got what you wanted!
funny huh?
they showed us an old movie called "rocky",
it's about this boxer, he was once a boxing champion but he was defeated badly.
and he never had faith in himself after that, so he quitted boxing.
his family left him, until years later his sister yelled at him to wake up.
there's nothing to be afraid of, no one's invincible, you might just win.
true enough, after gaining courage and faith, he geared towards his goal.
trained day and night, till that very day.
the boxer won the first round with the current champion boxer.
but he lost the second round.
the third round was a mystery, the boxer was beaten badly.
his lips were bleeding, face dented with 2 blood spurting eyes,
but he never gave up enduring.
at the very last moment, the boxer attacked from behind.
giving his best shot, until finally the current champion falls to his pride.
and there. he did what was originally impossible in his context.

i cried. i really cried. it was so touching.
day 1 changed my life a little, but i had doubts in myself.
but day 2 really woke me up.

-

day 2. they continued teaching important skills and techniques as usual.
but what was outstanding on this day was the topic about parents.
have you ever thought that your parents are naggy?
have you ever thought that they're selfish?
they kept comparing you with your siblings or relatives or friends.
they beat, cane, whip you. and even chased you with a chopper.
you complained that they'd never give you your own privacy.
everyday after reaching home, you just go in your room and slam the door shut.
not talking to them a single bit.

how ironic, don't you see?
on the parents side. they'll be thinking,
"my ahboy or ahgirl last time everyday come home talk to me,
but now why they reach home go room ji tao slam door ley?"
i just realised how lonely and neglected they felt.
you really don't need me to explain the other points, it's all for your own good.

what made me really cry was the trainer.
he was telling us about those kind of mean, selfish and hurting things we did/said to our parents.
everyone knows that freedom will be waiting for you at the age of 21.
so this particular trainer wished yearly for his 21st bday to come fast so that he could be free.
but on that very day, after his parents bought him his 21st bday cake,
BANG. car accident. parents left the world.
freedom.
freedom?
now that there's no parents, you're free now. are you happy?
no.
and he wished he had never wished for freedom.
but he deeply knew that this wish would never come true.
it's over now. regret?

when he was telling us that, all the girls cried. 50% of the boys did too.
we were crying like dogs and slaves. it was so shamefully embarrassing.
so he told us to sit fully on the chair, lean forward and put our elbows on our knees.
and with our fingers, cover our eyes so that we can have our PRIVACY and cry.

i cried till i had migraine.
my eyes were like goldfish's.
my eyes were pink and puffy.

how unfilial we had been.
10 months of pregnancy, 16 years of hard work in order to bring us up.
what's even worse is, some degrees holder can't even survive in this world.
my mum ended her studies when she was only p2.
she taught me how to read and pronounce words like:
cloudy day. kao li ley.
rainy day. lei ni ley.
sunny day. sun ni ley.
it's funny. but it's so.. touchingly silly of her.

and when everyone else was crying, i whispered to myself.
"sorry mum, sorry dad."

his/her white hair.
his/her aged and dry skin.
his/her weak bones and joints.
his/her rheumatism.
his/her dental problems.
his/her high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes.
i was a picky eater. so my mum had to be a rubbish bin and she ate everything up.
she has grown old..

then. the trainer told us to write a letter for our parents.
to say how sorry we are, how good we had it, how bad we felt.
whilst everyone were tearfully scribbling down their deepest heartfelts,
i wrote.




at 10:54 PM

i would like to tell everyone about something very close and real to my heart. an average girl will see a guy as a wimp when he cries, but no, that doesn't prove that he's one. a real guy cries in the heart and sometimes expresses it with tears; a fake guy cries crocodile tears and he's whom you need to fear.♥ (:

at 10:51 PM

thanks for crying for me although i don't deserve your tears. i have to leave. don't think of what we once used to do together, think about how we even began. you asked me, "what if i have never let you go? will you still be the girl i used to know?" i don't know how to answer this. but now i'm telling you, i'd go with... unrequited love rather than feelingless. and, yes, i've changed.

at 10:51 PM

when a door closes, another opens. i think i know what to do. my life is changing dramatically, but it isn't a bad thing. love is in the air, i can feel it. but maybe.. well just maybe.. this year's gonna be the only year i'm willingly spending valentines alone (: ♥

at 10:48 PM

so emotional tonight.


at 5:52 AM

there's really a question probing my mind.
maybe our friends' blessings weren't enough to make us last.
i had a change of heart,
because i don't see what's so good in a damn womaniser.

you are what you choose to be,
and i have chosen to walk upon the path of true love,

...

what would YOURS be?


at 5:49 AM

a mysterious note:

"hey, thanks for lending me your calculator on the end of year exams(:
i'd failed terribly without your help. happy valentines!"

-

i tried my best.
lijing, be happy, be happy, sing now (:
i think i've been presented with just another choice.
a door closes and another opens.

i felt trapped. (: this sounds familiar, doesn't it?


at 11:52 PM

went for adam khoo's workshop today.
it's a 3 day full course :l today 8am-9pm.
i reached home at 11pm!!
had to rush everywhere.
but i enjoyed the ride on the bus because i don't get to see that everytime.

i tried my best, i gave my all, i had little faith in myself.
i didn't get what i want, i got disappointed.

but i told myself it's alright.
i'm still happy! i'm just lonely.

adam khoo's workshop really had an impact on me.
it wakes you up by making you face the reality, motivates, and inspires,
it's just like heartaches are to the heart,
hurting it, weakening it yet strengthening it,
but never kills it.

i gave my all.
i'm proud of my decision at least i tried.

but whatever the outcome is,
i'll stand strong as ever.

(btw, 5 days to valentines, anyone up for grabs?)
haha. just joking. 2 particular guys, have to make a choice now.
toodles!


at 10:16 PM

fear less, hope more. eat less, chew more. frown less, smile more. whine less, breathe more. hate less, love more. and all good things shall be yours.


at 6:41 PM

my heart shows a truest smile whenever i look at him. be it in the eyes or at the mere backview, i have come to a sudden realisation that he is irreplaceable and incomparable in my eyes. no amount of wealth, nor the equity of popularity and good looks in another guy can make this feeling fade. so don't preach me about my heart's choice, this is it, and this is where the line ends at.

at 4:23 PM

一个人如果不被恶习所染，幸福近矣。
人生至恶是善谈人过；人生至愚恶闻己过。
学一分退让，讨一分便宜。增一分享受，减一分福泽。
平无一事可瞒人，此是大快。
嫉妒别人，仇视异己，就等于把生命交给别人。

心量狭小，则多烦恼，心量广大，智慧丰饶。
把自己的欲望降到低最低战，把自己的理性升到最高点，就是圣人。
未必钱多乐便多，财多累己招烦恼。清贫乐道真自在，无牵无挂乐消遥。

“恶”，恐人知，便是大恶。
“善”，欲人知，不是真善。
存平等心，行方便事，则天下无事。
怀慈悲心，做慈悲事，则心中太平。

征服世界，并不伟大，一个征服自己，才是世界上最伟大的人。
势不可使尽，福不可亨尽，便宜不知占尽，聪明不可用尽。
扶危周急固为美事。能不自夸，则其德厚矣！

“我欲”是贫穷的标志。事能常足，心常惬，人到无求品自高。
是非天天有，不听自然无。
做事不必与俗同，亦不宜与俗异。做事不必令人喜，亦不可令人憎。
须交有道之人，莫结无义之友。饮清静之茶，莫贪花之酒。开方便之门，闲是非之口。

受思深处宜先退，得意浓时便可休。
身安不如心安，屋宽不如心宽。
莫妒他长，妒长，则己终是短。莫护己短，护短，则己终不长。
人之心胸，多欲则窄，寡欲则宽。


at 4:16 PM

只要我们能梦想的，我们就能实现。
凡事要三思，但比三思更重要的是三思而行。
只有千锤百炼，才能成为好钢。

知识给人重量，成就给人光彩，大多数人只是看到了光彩，而不去称量重量。
最重要的就是不要去看远方模糊的，而要做手边清楚的事。
世上最重要的事，不在于我们在何处，而在于我们朝着什么方向走。
行动不一定带来快乐，而无行动则决无快乐。

世上没有绝望的处境，只有对处境绝望的人。
回避现实的人，未来将更不理想。
相信就是强大，怀疑只会抑制能力，而信仰就是力量。
恐惧自己受苦的人，已经因为自己的恐惧在受苦。

在真的生命里，每桩伟业都由信心开始，并由信心跨出第一步。
成功呈概率分布，关键是你能不能坚持到成功开始呈现的那一刻。
你一天的爱心可能带来别人一生的感谢。 先知三日，富贵十年。

含泪播种的人一定能含笑收获。
靠山山会倒，靠水水会流，靠自己永远不倒。
欲望以提升热忱，毅力以磨平高山。

只要路是对的，就不怕路远。


at 3:56 PM

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note completing the 36 "I’ve come to realize." At the end, choose the friends you want to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you or I knew you way back when and am interested in what life has taught you!!

1. I've come to realize that my chest-size...
... i don't like it big.

2. I've come to realize that my job(s)...
is always boring.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...
i'll be dreaming cos i'm not 21.

4. I've come to realize that I need....
to dream of someone regularly to keep myself happy(:

5. I've come to realize that I have lost...
lost my painful memory.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...
my phone rings.

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...
i can't wait and i have to sleep.

8. I've come to realize that money...
is everything but is useless, you can't buy love w money.

9. I've come to realize that certain people...
are just thorns in the eye.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always ...
love and love deeper.

11. I've come to realize that my sibling(s)...
are drifting further from my life.

12. I've come to realize that my mom...
is spring cleaning the house now..

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone...
is a magnet, always be with me.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...
i had really weird dreams.

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...
i rmbred what could have happened on monday.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking......
about him.

17. I've come to realize that my dad....
is full of crap.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...
i get stuck on it for hours.

19. I've come to realize that today...
is a breather for my hectic life.

20. I've come to realize that tonight...
is going to be the best night ever.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow...
could be a disaster cos i'm taking a big risk.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to...
be in his heart.

23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this is...
i'm not sure..

24. I've come to realize that life...
is your own creation.

25. I've come to realize that this weekend...
is really hectic and nice (:

26. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset...
the time has come to say goodbye

27. I've come to realize that my friends..
are cheeky and fun to be with.

28. I've come to realize that this year...
WILL be a great great year!

29. I've come to realize that my ex...
needs life. almost everyone of them.

30. I've come to realize that maybe I should...
prick up courage and express myself..

31. I've come to realize that I love...
someone whom is the first singaporean i met..

32. I've come to realize that I don't understand...
a guy's heart completely.

33. I've come to realize my past...
was bad and regretful but i've got over it (:

34. I've come to realize that parties...
can be high!

35. I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified...
of disappointment..

36. I've come to realize that my life...
is my story.


at 3:54 PM

hey people. i'll be making a real big move tmr.
i don't know whether it will be a success or not, i have to make the first move.
soccer for valentines, a huge subject which i'm not even familiar of.

will i succeed?
or will i be forgotten?

let's hope it's the former and not the latter.


at 7:58 PM

I get so weak in the knees I can hardly speak...
I lose control..
Then something takes over me..
In a daze, your love’s so amazing.
It’s not a phase,
I want you to stay with me by my side as I swallow my pride...
Your love is so sweet...
It knocks me right off on my feet...
Can’t explain why your love makes me so weak.


posts are only made on weekends.
really busy (: sec4 life is so bombed!

BUT I LIKE IT. masochistically.